10 Things Cats Don't Understand

1. Balancing Objects
For animals with a great sense of balance, cats really don't understand balance at all. Instead, they think that a folder precariously balanced on a ledge would make a good place to sprawl out on and take a nap. Good thing cats always land on their feet.

2. Computer Keyboards
My keyboard doesn't look like a sidewalk. It doesn't look like the floor either. So stop trying to walk on it.


3. Boobs
My boobs don't look like the sidewalk. They don't look like the floor either. So stop trying to walk on them while I'm trying to sleep.


4. It isn't cute when you do that kneading thing on a person's leg because even though you think it's a sign of affection you're actually just stabbing us over and over.
It hurts.

5. Human Food
If it's on a counter, table, plate,  or in a cup... It's mine.

6. Swatting your paw at my dog will not make her go away.
It will just make her want to hang out with you even more because now it looks like you are throwing a ball and want to play fetch.

7. Shoelaces are not a threat.
"Woah!  Did you see the size of that snake? Sucker was HUGE! It's hiding on your shoes and trying to blend in.. I'm gonna catch it! Don't worry, Camille's feet, this monster won't lurk in your shoes for long!"  -My cat.

8. Love
Stop worrying, Cat. I'm petting your head, not strangling you. Please stop scratching me now, people are starting to think I'm emo.


9. Laser Pointers
That tiny red dot is a tiny red dot, not something you can eat, not something that's going to eat you, and not a tiny demon sent here to mock you for being an inadequate hunter because you can't catch light.


10. Night Time
It's for sleeping. Not trying to scale walls. I promise.

Eeyore = Optimus Prime

It has been called to my attention that the same man that supplies the voice of Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh (Peter Cullen) also does the voice of Optimus Prime.

Now, imagine them exchanging scripts.

 

Or reversed...

 See what I did there? Piglett is a UNSC Warthog :D

And a tip of the hat to Ian for helping me concoct this all!

Batman is Impressed.

*talking about the UFC fight*

Ian: but man
        it was glorious.

Camille: but man? is that like gay batman?

Ian: NANANANANANA BUTTMAAAN! GOOGLE SEARCH TIME!

Camille: He sees you when you're sleeping!
               He knows when you're awake!

Ian: Well.. that was a bad idea..

Camille: He'll knock you out and rape your ass,..

Ian: Especially with the safe search off.

Camille: So keep 'em closed for goodness sake!

Ian: That is quite a jam.

Camille: It has a dance too! Well, really more of a jig.. or a boogy...

Ian: He's got a feeling. That I was about to make a shitty Black Eyed Peas reference.

Camille: He's sexy and he knows it. There, now we both made lame references.

Ian: You made an LMFAO reference tough, you lose more than I do by default. Actually that's toally debatable.

Camille: Black Eyed Peas < LMFAO

Ian: I think they're both pretty terrible. But also you. You're terrible. >:[

Camille: Yeah probably.

Ian: I totally got on the wrong bus after my English class today. And I was halfway to [next town over] before I gave a shit.

Camille: Did you do yoga on the bus?

Ian: No, I laughed for about 5 minutes though.

Camille: So no yoga then?

Ian: I had just texted my mom saying I'd see her in a few. Then I was all uhh.. wrong bus. Jk, see you in 20.

Camille:  Why no yoga?!

Ian: I can't do yoga while laughing! I simply do not have the fortitude!

Camille: Dammit, Ian why won't you live out this dream for me?!?

Ian: You have to chase your own dreams, Camille! It has to be you!

Camille: I can't do yoga on a bus alone! I'll get raped!

Ian: Pshaw, if you can do yoga on a bus you can slap down a triangle choke on a bus!


Camille: Do you know what percentage of bus-yoga-doing girls get raped?? All of them!

Ian: 100% in Japan.

Camille: And triangle chokes are for trains. Yoga is for buses. I find your lack of Bus-Yoga disturbing.

Ian: Well I find your lack of bus-triangling disappointing.

Camille: I can't even remember the last time I was on a bus!

Ian: And now you will have no need for a bus. Your dreams will never come true.

Camille:

Ian:

Camille:

Ian:

Camille:

Ian: O.k. Most impressive.

Camille: >>Most Impressive
 >>Impressive

Ian: SHHH

Camille: >>Impress.

Ian: SHHHHHHH

Camille: Batman is impressed.

Ian: Don't you point out my fallacies!

Camille:

Superpowers

One day I got asked what kind of superpower I would want to have. I was gonna say something like breathing fire or having meat vision or something useful like that but I got to thinking.. What superpower would I REALLY want?

The answer came to me, as most do, when I was half conscious laying in bed. I would want whatever superpower it is that Jean Grey has in the X-Men 3 movie. That woman can get Hugh Jackman naked just by looking at him and squinting her eyes a little bit. If that isn't useful I don't know what is.

I sure hope it works on other guys too, like Chris Hemsworth ;D